Listen Within!!
Dear EveryBeauty,
I am here typing to you at 2:52am in the morning with a bloated belly and anxiety. That is what I get from not listening to my body intelligence. This is what happens when I look outside for answers. I am way too wise and smart to look outside anymore for what I need. All I need is what I have right now, right here.
Let me back up to a few days ago. Monday February 26, I stepped on the scale and I saw that number 199.5 lbs! And let me tell you my initial thought was, "Wohoo! You did it! Awesome!" I wanted to share it with everybody I knew. But then a thought crept in saying, "What are you talking about? Your old fat self would celebrate that, don't tell anyone and just keep it as a secret. It'll go much better." So I listened to that thought and went along with my day, keeping that secret. A part of me was feeling sad and sick though not celebrating such a big milestone. (Looking back now, that part of me that said to keep it a secret, knew I would feel awful keeping it a secret and wanted me to feel bad about hitting such a milestone because hitting such a big milestone meant I was getting somewhere and aligning with my true divine nature which was feeling great/clear in my physical body. It was scared) So I went along, and then Wednesday February 28 came (the night before the Full Moon in Virgo) and shit went down!!
Wednesday is a day that I meal prep (chop veggies up, bake, etc) and never had a food plan for that day (the 7th day, I only meal plan for 6 days). I don't know what I was thinking but someone with a history of "eating disorder" (not having the security of knowing what to eat) is a recipe for disaster. So on that day I woke up and had no clue what to eat, I went to the kitchen and had (by default) large quantities of healthy food (without consulting with my physical body). Then I was craving junk food..... All throughout the day! So I actually headed to the store intending on buying junk food (cookies/brownies), and with distorted dismay and curiosity but ecstatic happiness I couldn't bring myself to buy any junk food, I instead bought some healthy quinoa/flax/CORN chips. I thought "Okay then, I guess junk food just isn't in the cards today". A bit relief but some frustration.
That day I made plans with someone and it was scheduled to have food with them. Miscommunication happened and severe anxiety built up because now food was an uncertainty (not going to plan), so I got soo angry, frustrated and had severe anxiety I just HAD to go out NOW to buy my own food. The plan was getting a pizza (that surprisingly doesn't effect me in anyway) because I knew that was a safe bet for my body. But I was angry and in severe anxiety (fight or flight mode) and I didn't know how to handle it so I stormed off to my nearest convenience store and bought.... wait for it.... wait for it..... Ahoy Cookies!! Which I have not done in 4-5 years! I haven't had any junk food in 4-5 years! Came back and almost finished the box (4 cookies left over), because the taste was starting to taste like plastic in my mouth and my stomach wasn't happy.
5 minutes or so later I did my best to damage control (Sunrider Fortune Delight and PEMF Mat/Pad on tummy).
The next morning, I researched online (without tuning into my body's own intelligence, what my body needed) on what to do the morning after a sugar binge and I found out that you need to eat breakfast. So I did, knowing I need some fuel as I'll be working out in the gym that morning, but let me tell you, my stomach was soooooo unhappy! I felt sick to my stomach and was thinking I wouldn't be able to go to the gym. But thankfully (taking probiotics and drinking lemon warm water) my stomach settled down and I could workout. So I went along with my day and eat my meal plan (without tuning into my body) for the day. Except after my dinner I had an apple. Which I will never do again!
SOO... from now on.... I am listening to my FUCKING BODY!! Tuning in asking her (her extreme/wise intellect) what I need to do to help and let her be a happy camper. Because I now know I can not longer, binge eat and eat outside the lines, my body just can't handle the abuse any more (she just can't).
I see now the extreme importance of listening within and not listening to the outside worlds answers and giving into my ego making me feel bad about such a big milestone in my life. Keeping a big celebration quiet and make it feel like an ugly turd! Next time I'm under 200 lbs and 199 lbs I'm fucking giving myself a pedicure and facial for such an accomplishment and I'm going to tell the world (Instagram)!! Because shedding my emotional weight and exposing my true self of a fit/lean body is a call for celebration! It's announcing to the world that I'm in tune with my inner light and I'm shinning bright! There is nothing wrong with that, I am meant to shine brightly!
Embrace myself, love my body, listen to her, nourish her, and talk to her like my own baby. Because all she wants is attention, love and know that she (my body) is smart.
So this full moon, I'm letting go of the habit of looking outside for my body's answers. Plus letting go of not feeling good enough to celebrate such a big milestone! I am more than good enough to celebrate anything that I accomplish!
I deserve the fucking best because my children are going to be intuitive athletes!! 😉💖
I need to build a foundation for them, from me! Here's to my bright amazing future and the amazing awaked love now!
Listen to your body, it's more intelligent than you know.
You are beautiful, powerful, and intelligent beings.... shine your authentic light! 💓
Love you,
Ahn xxoo
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am here typing to you at 2:52am in the morning with a bloated belly and anxiety. That is what I get from not listening to my body intelligence. This is what happens when I look outside for answers. I am way too wise and smart to look outside anymore for what I need. All I need is what I have right now, right here.
Let me back up to a few days ago. Monday February 26, I stepped on the scale and I saw that number 199.5 lbs! And let me tell you my initial thought was, "Wohoo! You did it! Awesome!" I wanted to share it with everybody I knew. But then a thought crept in saying, "What are you talking about? Your old fat self would celebrate that, don't tell anyone and just keep it as a secret. It'll go much better." So I listened to that thought and went along with my day, keeping that secret. A part of me was feeling sad and sick though not celebrating such a big milestone. (Looking back now, that part of me that said to keep it a secret, knew I would feel awful keeping it a secret and wanted me to feel bad about hitting such a milestone because hitting such a big milestone meant I was getting somewhere and aligning with my true divine nature which was feeling great/clear in my physical body. It was scared) So I went along, and then Wednesday February 28 came (the night before the Full Moon in Virgo) and shit went down!!
Wednesday is a day that I meal prep (chop veggies up, bake, etc) and never had a food plan for that day (the 7th day, I only meal plan for 6 days). I don't know what I was thinking but someone with a history of "eating disorder" (not having the security of knowing what to eat) is a recipe for disaster. So on that day I woke up and had no clue what to eat, I went to the kitchen and had (by default) large quantities of healthy food (without consulting with my physical body). Then I was craving junk food..... All throughout the day! So I actually headed to the store intending on buying junk food (cookies/brownies), and with distorted dismay and curiosity but ecstatic happiness I couldn't bring myself to buy any junk food, I instead bought some healthy quinoa/flax/CORN chips. I thought "Okay then, I guess junk food just isn't in the cards today". A bit relief but some frustration.
That day I made plans with someone and it was scheduled to have food with them. Miscommunication happened and severe anxiety built up because now food was an uncertainty (not going to plan), so I got soo angry, frustrated and had severe anxiety I just HAD to go out NOW to buy my own food. The plan was getting a pizza (that surprisingly doesn't effect me in anyway) because I knew that was a safe bet for my body. But I was angry and in severe anxiety (fight or flight mode) and I didn't know how to handle it so I stormed off to my nearest convenience store and bought.... wait for it.... wait for it..... Ahoy Cookies!! Which I have not done in 4-5 years! I haven't had any junk food in 4-5 years! Came back and almost finished the box (4 cookies left over), because the taste was starting to taste like plastic in my mouth and my stomach wasn't happy.
5 minutes or so later I did my best to damage control (Sunrider Fortune Delight and PEMF Mat/Pad on tummy).
The next morning, I researched online (without tuning into my body's own intelligence, what my body needed) on what to do the morning after a sugar binge and I found out that you need to eat breakfast. So I did, knowing I need some fuel as I'll be working out in the gym that morning, but let me tell you, my stomach was soooooo unhappy! I felt sick to my stomach and was thinking I wouldn't be able to go to the gym. But thankfully (taking probiotics and drinking lemon warm water) my stomach settled down and I could workout. So I went along with my day and eat my meal plan (without tuning into my body) for the day. Except after my dinner I had an apple. Which I will never do again!
SOO... from now on.... I am listening to my FUCKING BODY!! Tuning in asking her (her extreme/wise intellect) what I need to do to help and let her be a happy camper. Because I now know I can not longer, binge eat and eat outside the lines, my body just can't handle the abuse any more (she just can't).
I see now the extreme importance of listening within and not listening to the outside worlds answers and giving into my ego making me feel bad about such a big milestone in my life. Keeping a big celebration quiet and make it feel like an ugly turd! Next time I'm under 200 lbs and 199 lbs I'm fucking giving myself a pedicure and facial for such an accomplishment and I'm going to tell the world (Instagram)!! Because shedding my emotional weight and exposing my true self of a fit/lean body is a call for celebration! It's announcing to the world that I'm in tune with my inner light and I'm shinning bright! There is nothing wrong with that, I am meant to shine brightly!
Embrace myself, love my body, listen to her, nourish her, and talk to her like my own baby. Because all she wants is attention, love and know that she (my body) is smart.
So this full moon, I'm letting go of the habit of looking outside for my body's answers. Plus letting go of not feeling good enough to celebrate such a big milestone! I am more than good enough to celebrate anything that I accomplish!
I deserve the fucking best because my children are going to be intuitive athletes!! 😉💖
I need to build a foundation for them, from me! Here's to my bright amazing future and the amazing awaked love now!
Listen to your body, it's more intelligent than you know.
You are beautiful, powerful, and intelligent beings.... shine your authentic light! 💓
Love you,
Ahn xxoo
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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| "Do not follow the ideas of others, but learn to listen to the voice within yourself. Your body and mind will become clear and you will realize the unity of all things." ~ Dogen, Japanese Leader |
Word of the Day
Congruent
Adjective
: In agreement of harmony
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